Okay Weekend...

This weekend was okay. We broke down an scored some H on Friday, but it was new stuff and it was horrible stuff. Hate to waste the money, but maybe the guy'll learn. So basically went four or five days without anything, then got a little bt of OC last night. It wasn't much, but it gave a decent buzz. I really don't mind that we've cut down so drastically. Way too much money was spent. It's better this way, and gives opiates a little more respect. If we can get some once more in the next 10 day, we'll be lucky. It's crazy how this happens.

So, I do feel okay at the moment. No WD yet, and I figure it can't be very bad this time around, because we seriously haven't been doing much lately. The last time we really got high was like last Tuesday. Well, I'll try to keep my mind off of it. I need to focus on work, anyways. School, too. And living a healthy and happy life with the girl I want to spend the rest of it with. I've been reading about people ODing on Vitamin C to get through WD, so I figure if I get particularly lethargic, I'll get some of the powdered stuff and do a couple grams. Anyways, I gots to keep on keepin' on...

It's been a couple days...

So, it's been a couple days since my last hit of the horse. Well, except for a little upset stomach this morning, I feel pretty good. I feel much better than I did earlier this week. It feels good to not do any H and for the first time in a while, I'm actually not having any problem with the cravings. It's cool, really it is.

I don't have much to say today. I went through a performace review at work yesterday and it turns out that I'm gonna be getting a raise, which is definitely going to be helpful, although not for quitting heroin. Still, I have a bunch of responsibilities that I've been blowing off for a long time that are gonna creep up on me soon. What I'll do about it, I'm not entirely sure at the moment; I really just want to feel good being off opiates.

On another note, I've been drinking and smoking a lot of pot. Now, I've always been known to smoke a lot of pot, but drinking hasn't much been my thing. However, it might be growing on me. I know I'm just trading one addiction for another, but like I said, I've almost always smoked pot, and drinking is much less destructive and expensive than opiates. Ah, well, what's a man to do? Smoke a cigarette? Yeah, I gotta stop doing that, too. Damn it.

We'll see...

We'll see how this goes, I guess. I hate having to roll with the punches, but I always end up having to anyways. I just procrastinate like hell. I procrastinate to the point that if I don't do something right away, I'm most certainly pretty fucked. So that's how I am with this whole debt thing... most certainly pretty fucked.

I'm not sure what they can do, though. If you don't know, I took out a bunch of payday loans and defaulted pretty badly on just about all of them. I probably owe something like $3000, and they keep saying that they are gonna take me to court, but I keep thinking, why the hell would I show up? Anyways, I should probably go to one of those free credit counseling services or something, and maybe at least they can tell the collectors that they won't be seeing any money anytime soon.

So I dosed last night like I figured I would and the withdrawal is finally gone. I went 3 days without doing any, so I was able to get substantially high last night for relatively little. I know it'll be a while, probably around 5 days, before I can dose again, but the WD shouldn't be too bad this time around. If I do end up with a bit of WD, I'm probably gonna be smoking a bunch of weed or drinking my ass off. Withdrawal not only sucks because of how I feel physically, but I really withdrawal psychologically, and I hate to do that to my girl. She ends up thinking I'm upset with her or unhappy with her. Ah, well, I should be alright tonight.

Gettin' ugly...

It's getting ugly recently. WD has me sick as a dog. I did somethign really stupid Friday and now I'm paying for it. I'm so wound up and uncomfortable and axious and depressed, I really can't get a grip on much of anything right now. I really need to, though. This sucks. I suck.

Damn...

Tolerance is too high... Not gettin' mcuh of anything... Need to change... To take initiative... Lowest ever... Weak... Tired... Sick... Resentful... Self-hating... Need hope... Need change... Need something to do... Falling... Need to Grasp... Take hold... Take control... Hard to sleep... Hard to live... Hard to not feel like shit... I can change... I swear... I think... I hope... Please... Let me change...

Probably worse than ever...

So this past week or so has probably been worse than ever. There has been a LOT of smack flowing through these nostrils and I'm certainly reaping the consequences. I've been using every day for the past 8 days or so. I'm probably going to use today. Even though it's been every day, I'm getting withdrawal just from waking up today without it. The worst part yet is that I'm even using it behind my girl's back.

Yeah, so she was sick on Monday and just wanted to go lay in bed, so I bough some packs and decided to dose up on my own. I started with one, and I felt pretty good. I wanted more, though, it was kinda like an experiment to see what it would be like to do a bunch on my own. Soon enough, I was doing another dose. After that, I was feeling damn mellow and I knew I could be good for the night. Two is usually what it takes for me to get really fucked up and nodding out with my girl.

However, I decided to go for another. I knew this was a lot so I just did half of the third at first. I felt really good. I was watching some reality show and nodding out, but for some reason deicided to do the rest of the third. This is much more than I have ever done. I don't remember much of what happened after that. I definitely passed out. The next thing I know, my girl is coming down stairs, wondering what I'm up to. She finds me passed out on the kitchen table.

So she wakes me up, it scares the shit out of me. I jump up and onto the floor and start flailing all around and shouting about dropping a cigarette. My head then began pounding an ungodly migrain. I couldn't walk straight and my girl said that my eyes looked completely red and crazed. She eventually got me up stairs into bed and put a wet washcloth on my head for the headache which was unlike anything I've felt before. I tried not to fall asleep right away, because I knew I might not wake up. I definitely overdosed. I ODed and my girl probably saved my life by waking me up. There was a good chance she coulda found me cold and stiff laying across the kitchen table the next morning. I'm such a fucking idiot.

I'm not sure...

I'm not sure if it's about to get really bad or really good. It really could go either way. Kinda in a weird place right now... a sorta limbo of feelings. Although, I must say, for the moment anyways, I'm fairly happy. I dunno if it's the dope or what. There seems to be some money coming in, but it could just as easily go out or blow up in my face fairly violent-like. Pretty confusing stuff.

Well, I got a good check today. A good check could be on it's way. Feelin' good overall at the moment, but probably using too much. You know, it's one of those things that you're sure you're going to be regretting and kicking yourself for later, wishing that you had conserved in some manner, but at the moment, it seems fairly logical and fun to do. I got some free smokes today and that's cool. Sometimes it seems things are going your way. I can't get too excited, though, bracing myself for the potential worst. Ah, well, might as well go with it while you got it. Smoke 'em if ya got 'em, ya know?

Anyways, I'm just gonna keep on keepin' on, hanging in there and the like. Gonna see how this goes and hope I don't fuck up too bad. <--- (probably going to be the subject of horrible foreshadowing)