Still so fucked...

So, it's a few days later and I'm still pretty fucked here. Blowing all my money on drugs is really taking it's toll on my psyche... I'm really going pretty damn crazy here. I feel like running off and just finding someplace to die. I really don't know how much I can stand. I'm suffocating in the residue of my own poor decisions. I'm floating helplessly out into a sea of uncontrollable anguish and resentment towards myself and my own foolish disregard for the future.

These decisions we make today... they affect the lives of tomorrow. On the largest and smallest of scales, we are going to have to experience the karmic retribution of the now. Like the butterfly effect, we have no idea how largely those seemingly trivial decisions can impact the future. This is what I fear the most. It's all coming back to me. I had a teacher in elementary school who would always respond to injustice with, "What goes around, comes around." This is what I fear the most. What goes around comes around... What I have done and the infringements upon justice I have imposed will invariably "come around" to kick me in the fucking nuts.

Yeah, I'm going to get kicked in the fucking nuts pretty hard. I'm going to go down to the ground, gasping for air, and I'm going to be lying there, face down in a puddle of karmic retribution and choking on my mistakes. Yeah, I've made some serious fucking mistakes. It's habitual for me, I suppose. I make mistakes and I do it while laughing in the face of caution. Holy shit, you have no idea how stupid I can be. I've fucked up my life... I've fucked up royally and so fucking horribly... I'm so fucked...