Withdrawal is a bitch...

Well, it's been about 4 days since I've used any opiates. I believe it was last Thursday that we did some heroin. Friday was an anniversary day, since it was 1 year since we first had sex, so we got some E and had a bit of fun. Saturday, we went on a road trip to visit her brother, which turned out alright. It was kinda shitty because we were withdrawing the whole time and feeling horrible, and I'm sure he was like, "What the hell? You drive all the way here and all you wanna do is lay around and maybe smoke a little pot?"

It wasn't too bad, and that was better than sitting around the apartment all day, craving some heroin or oxy to release us from the oh-so-miserable physical withdrawal. Saturday was pretty bad, day two, and Sunday was worse, day three. Now it's Monday and I don't feel too down, but I really just wanna go home, smoke the last bit of weed I have, exchange some heart-felt reassurances with my girl like, "I love you, and I know we can get through this. I'm sorry I'm not peppy or talkative; it's just the withdrawal."

Really, though, I don't know if I'm quitting just yet for sure. Actually, I'm most definitely not. Tomorrow, I'm going to be getting three 40s of OC for payment for my work on this dude's website. It would be cool if we had the restraint to not do them, just keep them around, marveling at our self-control, but that probably won't happen. If we have drugs, we're gonna do them. That's just part of being a junkie. There is no "Let's save it for the weekend." Believe me, we've tried. Every time, we end up doing it. I'm not saying I'm weak, but it certainly seems that way, huh?

Anyways, the money troubles keep on truckin' and everyday my anxiety steepens. Oh, what a wonderful play pit I've dug for myself. Yes, what mindful financial decisions we make while indulging ourselves with opiates. How incredibly intelligent I feel whilst I revel in the waste I've made for myself. Holy fucking shit...

It wasn't always like this...

Certainly, this twenty-some opiate addict wasn't always like this. I used to be so fucking adamant about staying away from substances that I felt would rule my mind. However, drugs seem to have been part of my life even since the age of 11. It was then that I hit my first joint. I started smoking pot semi-regularly from there, but it wasn't until I was officially a teenager, at 13, that I started to really experiment. My sister's boyfriend was a coke dealer and people were always asking me if I wanted a bump.

I usually hung out with older kids and they seemed to get a kick out of testing me. From about 13 to 15, I tried every drug I got my hands on. It was mostly free and I never got into much trouble. My parents were oblivious. LSD to ecstasy to coke and everything in between, except for opiates... they came later. Ever seen a 13 year old at a rave, though? If you did, it was probably me.

I stopped for a while with the hard stuff. In high school, I stuck to pot and alcohol, because they were the norms. I would sell a little white here and there, but mostly innocent stuff. After some family problems at the end of my senior year, I had a revelation. Decided to clean myself up. I stopped smoking herb, decided never to drink and vowed to better myself intellectually and physically. It went pretty good for a couple years or so. I remember being very happy, but I tended to get a bit preachy at times. I enjoyed life, though. Spent a lot of my time reading philosophy and working out at the gym. I valued rationality and debated all that was irrational. I was against religion, selfishness, and of course, drugs. I thought I had it all worked out. I thought I'd be so goddamn happy forever.

Then came the girl that would steal my world. Four years older and with a lot more experience under her belt, she turned me on to a different perspective. Being a junkie is fun. Oh yes, it's a fucking blast and everyone should do it. People would be so much cooler and happier if they would just sniff some heroin. Heh. I fell for it. I fell for her. Not to say I don't love her. I do. We're engaged, for christ' sake. She's beautiful inside and out. I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. It's just that we're so fucking addicted to opiates and I'm drowning in debt because of it. I'm not blaming her. I should've known this would happen. It's what everyone says will happen. It's one of those things where it is just so tempting to disregard all reason and evidence and just fucking do it and love it and hate it when it fucking blows up in your face. I'm sure that makes very little sense. Nothing I do anymore makes much rational sense. Heh. Funny that that's how I used to live. Now look at me. Fucking wasting myself over nonsense. Life's really ironic sometimes.

Yes, well, it goes on...

The last couple nights have been cool. We've been getting some oxycontin and feeling alright.

Today is our anniversary. It was a year ago that I first kissed her. So much has happened since then. So much good and some bad. I love the hell out of her. Although we had a sorta awkward moment last night because she is so weird about me always wanting to be with her and only her and wanting me to constantly reassure her of this. We're still mighty fine. I really do love her and I just feel so bad that I've been fucking up so much lately, because I don't want to hurt her and I only really want the best for my darling.

Well, we're probably not going to have any good opiates for a little while. We did get some pot, so perhaps that might help us fend off the withdrawal I'm sure we will be experiencing within the next several days. Ugh, I found out yesterday that my financial situation is worse than I thought. Heh. Worse than I thought. Goddamn, these are going to be a trying next few weeks. I'm dying here, man... Fuckin' dying...

Hells Yeahs!

Sweet! I just scored an advancement from my boss. I went in with my tail down and pride in my pocket. At least I'll be able to get high tonight. This should be good and it should last me a little bit. Shit's still goin' down, but tonight I be high and on top of the world.

Still going down...

Everything is still going down and I'm still feeling so inevitably fucked. We spent some money on some smack this weekend and had a good time until the money ran out, of course. Yesterday was pretty miserable without any dope, so we spent most of the day sleeping, stopping momentarily at her mom's house to pick up some laundry. Today is going to be absolutely unbearable, I'm sure. I'll be surprised if I can even get some sleep tonight.

Day two without any opiates always seems to be the worst. I know people say day three is horrible, but right now I'm pent up with so much anxiety, I very much feel like dying. The anxiety is haunting. When the thing you've done linger so close in the future, over your head, you feel like exploding into peices. There's no way I'm going to get any sleep tonight. Maybe I can convince my girl to by some pot for us. At least we got the money for that, if we don't for any actually fun things. Damn, I need to ask for some money from someone. I'm sure it won't happen, though. Been borrowing way too much lately, and people are getting suspicious, I'm sure.

My one year anniversary with my girl is this week on the 27th. Let's hope I make it until then. God, I love her so much and I'm so sorry all this is going and is about to go down. I'm such a horrible fiance. I know she deserves better than me, but for some reason she is hooked on losers. Losers like me. I know I could do so much to benefit this world and society, but I choose to throw it away for a quick high and a temporary fix. I know I'm intelligent and I have potential, but I don't even come close to fulfilling it. Not even close... Yeah, I'm a waste of life and a waste of space, a waste of oxygen and a waste of organic materials. I'm a fucking waste... Too bad I can't get wasted...

Still so fucked...

So, it's a few days later and I'm still pretty fucked here. Blowing all my money on drugs is really taking it's toll on my psyche... I'm really going pretty damn crazy here. I feel like running off and just finding someplace to die. I really don't know how much I can stand. I'm suffocating in the residue of my own poor decisions. I'm floating helplessly out into a sea of uncontrollable anguish and resentment towards myself and my own foolish disregard for the future.

These decisions we make today... they affect the lives of tomorrow. On the largest and smallest of scales, we are going to have to experience the karmic retribution of the now. Like the butterfly effect, we have no idea how largely those seemingly trivial decisions can impact the future. This is what I fear the most. It's all coming back to me. I had a teacher in elementary school who would always respond to injustice with, "What goes around, comes around." This is what I fear the most. What goes around comes around... What I have done and the infringements upon justice I have imposed will invariably "come around" to kick me in the fucking nuts.

Yeah, I'm going to get kicked in the fucking nuts pretty hard. I'm going to go down to the ground, gasping for air, and I'm going to be lying there, face down in a puddle of karmic retribution and choking on my mistakes. Yeah, I've made some serious fucking mistakes. It's habitual for me, I suppose. I make mistakes and I do it while laughing in the face of caution. Holy shit, you have no idea how stupid I can be. I've fucked up my life... I've fucked up royally and so fucking horribly... I'm so fucked...

Lemme explain a little...

So, I'm in my 20s and a college student, and as I've openly admitted, I'm a junkie. I like to do opiates, preferably. These include heroin, oxycontin, morphine, fentanyl and such like. It sucks being a junkie, really. Well, it sucks when you're not high. When you're high, being a druggie is so damn sweet, you dont even care about the $120 you just spent on half a gram of heroin to get high for the night. You feel mellow and happy and really fucking apathetic. That's probably why it's so easy to get carried away with it.

You get REALLY apathetic. Really, though, you just don't care about shit besides getting high. This is a pretty accurate description, I think. I'm sure you've heard it before. You don't know unless you've done it, though. You don't even fuckin' know.

Yeah, so, because of this bullshit drug addiction, I'm broke as fuck and in some serious trouble. I'm gonna tell the gist of the story here in case I do something stupid and don't make it out, so I'll have this timeless blog just kinda like frozen here as a sort of historic document.

Let's get a few things straight. I'm not fucking stupid. I knew what I was getting into... for the most part. The thing is, I don't tend to plan ahead all that much. Very much lacking in the foresight end of things. When I took out all these loans, probably numbering around a dozen now, I though I could pay them off. Thing was, I intended to pay them off with each other - never really planning for that time that I accumulate a bunch of them and they catch up to me.

Well, that time has come and I'm probably very indefinitely screwed. These drugs ad this fast-lane lifesytle, well, they're fucking driving me off the road now. Me and my girl are gonna have to stop using. This is going to be toture. Opiate withdrawal is one of the worst experiences in the world. It's worst that having food poisoning which is the only thing I can personally compare it to. It lasts longer than food poisoning, though. With opiates, you're thinking about them really hard and you physically withdrawal for weeks.

I tried quitting for a few days. I wasn't very strong. I knew we had to save some money but I'd outright fucking blow it, man god almighty, would I fucking blow it. I get small payday loans and fucking blow the money like a goddamned dandelion, man... Just up in fucking smoke, like a tuft of little seeds, floating away into nothingness, never to be seen or retrieved or heard from, but leaving me with this ugly good-for-nothing stem that fucking sucks and tells me I owe the goddamn thing money. What a fucking bitch that is, huh? What a fucking bitch opiate drug addiction is. Oh yeah, hard time, not-gonna-fucking-forgive-your-broke-junkie-ass-fornothing fucking bitch, man.

Yeah, so this ain't fucking good. The banks gonna keep giving these people money until I'm like forever in debt and I just give up and go on some like fucking crazy road trip accross country, completely ditching my girls and my family and friends and going completely fucking weird loner drifter dude on their asses. This is not going to be good. No good can come of this. I am minus good.

Ya, so...

Ya, so I'm a junkie and I'm totally taking a bunch of drugs. I've blown like four grand easy this past month on fun things such as morphine, heroin, oxycontin, roxycontin, coke, ecstacy and so on and so forth. Most opiates, though. Wasn't always like this. My girlfriend got me started. Now she's my fiance. Dunno if I quite love her though. Say funny things when under the influences, like ,"Gee, wouldn't it be cool if we were married?" It's hard to take those things back later, though. "Oh yeah, I didn't quite mean that. You see, I was hella high."

Well, shit. I'm broke as fuck and today is one of those days where I just gotta look at my situation and say, "Well, I'll be damned. Damned straight to goddamn hell if there is one. And probably relatively soon because I should be dead, should've committed suicide or just plain old gotten shot somehow." Yeah, that's how I feel. Well, I'm the kinda person that's used to hard times, so it's not exactly driving me to knife myself. Yeah, I'm hella in debt and people are prolly gonna find out soon about me and my girlfriends hopeless drug addictions, but ya know... I don't know quite how to feel...

I don't know quite what to say and I don't know quite how to handle it. I just kinda roll with the punches, ya know? I really do. I just kinda take it as it comes, all simple-method-like and don't let any one set back blow me the fuck away. Heh. I SHOULD be blown the fuck away, though. Hah. So should be blown the fuck away. I dunno how the hell I do it. I sit patiently and wait for an opportunity to remedy a small portion of the fucked-up-edness. Sometimes I come back on top, but that's a bit uncomfortable for me, so before I know it, I back wallowing in the tremendous pile of shit that I've set aside for myself to suffer through later, because for now, I'm gonna go play in that neat little field of flowers over there, completely ignoring the lumbering junk yard of reality.