The next week or so will be particularly bad. I got paid last Tuesday and quickly blew all my money on heroin. For a couple days, it was good. One of the times I bought, I even got an extra packet. Not intentionaly, I'm sure, but it was crunched in another packet.
After Tuesday and Wednesday being really high, Thursday was OK. We got some oxys from a friend. They really didn't do shit to me, so I'm thinking that from now on, I wanna stick with the h. Oxys tend to provide a good euphoric feeling, more so than smack, but it seems to be taking more and more to get me high where I want to be, more so than heroin. After like .15 of smack, I'm doing great for the night, and double that for me and my girl and it's $90 for the two. Unlike oxy, where we can get three 40mgs for 90, doing 60mgs a piece, and I don't feel very much at all, like what happened Thursday.
Anyways, we're in for a bit of a break. We got a little smack Saturday night, but that didn't really do shit but relieve of withdrawal symtoms. As far as I'm concerned, it's been like 4 or 5 days without getting high. Pretty damn lame, I know. Since I dont have the loan money coming in, it's been tough as shit to dose consistantly. Feeling broke all the damn time...
Well, I'm sure shit's about to be catchin' up right soon here. Been going to class lately... boring as all hell. I hate sitting through a 2 and a half hour lecture when I'm withdrawing. I get the RLS(restless leg syndrome) like a bitch. Anxiety is through the fucking roof. Me and my girl can't even talk to each other, we're obviously thinking about it so damn much. Like Saturday was some damn torture. We just kinda laid around, did our own thing, her reading her book and me fuckin' around on the computer, not doin' much of nothing and not even really talking to each other, but making brief eye contact now and again, exchanging a reassuring smile that is all too routine anymore.
We've gotten ourselves into some sort of a mess. My dude says that he's quitting all smack and has been clean for like five days. Good for him. It's been a damn while since either of us have been clean for five days. Four days seems to be the record as of late, and that wasn't intentional or voluntary, just due to lack of funds and realization of a humongous fucking problem that we've chased ourselves into. I mean, we both knew what was going to happen when it was happening, yet we were too fogged up on smack to say or do shit about it. It just sucks how everyone says this is going to and will happen and it does and you're al shocked like no one told you, but they did and you know it, but you still sit there and shake your dumb head like you really didn't know any better. It's pretty fucking pathetic if you ask me. We're pretty fucking pathetic if you ask me.
The thing keeps coming back in my mind of taking the money and running. I don't think I can do it, though. A) I really don't wana be like my fucking dad. I really don't. I don't want to be the fucking deadbeat who runs from his problems when they look overwhelming, who doesn't have the fucking cohojes to man and and fucking take the blame for his mistakes, resolving some way to make reparations of some sort or least, after accepting the inevitable scolding and disapproval of the way he went about it and the official rejection from the situation, then pick up the piece of the broken life and move on to a more leanred future.
B) I really can't do it to my girl. I love her and I promised to marry her, stick with her through thick and sthin, good times and bad, and I do not want to be a fucking liar. I know I AM a liar, but I don't want to have lied about this. It's important to me. I felt things due to her that I have never felt before. I have feelings for her. I don't know what I would do if I left and knew that more than likely, she would be with another man. It would tear me up inside and I would want to die. It's feelings like this that let me know I actually fucking care about someone. Alll my fucking life, I've only really cared about my damn self. I don't want to be that way, at least not entirely. Sure, it would be pretty easy to screw her over and leave and never come back, but I won't fucking do it because I fucking love her.
I've had dreams where she was in danger and the thought of her dying or being gone just straight fucked me up. I was very much saddened by the prospect of her being gone. I dunno if this is some animalistic innate male urge to preserve and protect what's mine, what's my territory or property, or if it is some deep emotional connection which I have formed with her and the idea of such a bond breaking would assuredly break me emotionally. I don't know what it is and that is the proverbial mystery that is "love," I guess. We don't fucking know, but we do have this inkling that it is good and losing it would be bad. That's what it is. I love her and that's all I know.
Sure, she probably got me into opiate addiction and she's probably the reason that my credit will be ruined for a very long time to come. Sure, she's not always the most fun and sure her ass isn't what it was when I first met her. Sure she can sometimes be overbearing and sure, she is certainly a bit of a control freak. Sure, I laugh inside sometimes at how "lame" I think she is being when she expresses her emotions to me, and sure, I think I'm being lame when I feel entitled to do the same. But you know what, I fucking love her. I fucking love her and I WANT to be with her. I could've left a long time ago. I could leave right now. But I LOVE her and I WANT to be with her, through thick and thin, through good times and back, beyond the painful withdrawal accompanying this opiate addition, and forever. That's how I fucking feel and that's how it's going to be.
