not enough and then some

Okay Weekend...

2006-03-06T13:29:00.000-05:00

This weekend was okay. We broke down an scored some H on Friday, but it was new stuff and it was horrible stuff. Hate to waste the money, but maybe the guy'll learn. So basically went four or five days without anything, then got a little bt of OC last night. It wasn't much, but it gave a decent buzz. I really don't mind that we've cut down so drastically. Way too much money was spent. It's better this way, and gives opiates a little more respect. If we can get some once more in the next 10 day, we'll be lucky. It's crazy how this happens.

So, I do feel okay at the moment. No WD yet, and I figure it can't be very bad this time around, because we seriously haven't been doing much lately. The last time we really got high was like last Tuesday. Well, I'll try to keep my mind off of it. I need to focus on work, anyways. School, too. And living a healthy and happy life with the girl I want to spend the rest of it with. I've been reading about people ODing on Vitamin C to get through WD, so I figure if I get particularly lethargic, I'll get some of the powdered stuff and do a couple grams. Anyways, I gots to keep on keepin' on...

It's been a couple days...

2006-03-02T16:13:00.000-05:00

So, it's been a couple days since my last hit of the horse. Well, except for a little upset stomach this morning, I feel pretty good. I feel much better than I did earlier this week. It feels good to not do any H and for the first time in a while, I'm actually not having any problem with the cravings. It's cool, really it is.

I don't have much to say today. I went through a performace review at work yesterday and it turns out that I'm gonna be getting a raise, which is definitely going to be helpful, although not for quitting heroin. Still, I have a bunch of responsibilities that I've been blowing off for a long time that are gonna creep up on me soon. What I'll do about it, I'm not entirely sure at the moment; I really just want to feel good being off opiates.

On another note, I've been drinking and smoking a lot of pot. Now, I've always been known to smoke a lot of pot, but drinking hasn't much been my thing. However, it might be growing on me. I know I'm just trading one addiction for another, but like I said, I've almost always smoked pot, and drinking is much less destructive and expensive than opiates. Ah, well, what's a man to do? Smoke a cigarette? Yeah, I gotta stop doing that, too. Damn it.

We'll see...

2006-03-01T13:44:00.000-05:00

We'll see how this goes, I guess. I hate having to roll with the punches, but I always end up having to anyways. I just procrastinate like hell. I procrastinate to the point that if I don't do something right away, I'm most certainly pretty fucked. So that's how I am with this whole debt thing... most certainly pretty fucked.

I'm not sure what they can do, though. If you don't know, I took out a bunch of payday loans and defaulted pretty badly on just about all of them. I probably owe something like $3000, and they keep saying that they are gonna take me to court, but I keep thinking, why the hell would I show up? Anyways, I should probably go to one of those free credit counseling services or something, and maybe at least they can tell the collectors that they won't be seeing any money anytime soon.

So I dosed last night like I figured I would and the withdrawal is finally gone. I went 3 days without doing any, so I was able to get substantially high last night for relatively little. I know it'll be a while, probably around 5 days, before I can dose again, but the WD shouldn't be too bad this time around. If I do end up with a bit of WD, I'm probably gonna be smoking a bunch of weed or drinking my ass off. Withdrawal not only sucks because of how I feel physically, but I really withdrawal psychologically, and I hate to do that to my girl. She ends up thinking I'm upset with her or unhappy with her. Ah, well, I should be alright tonight.

Gettin' ugly...

2006-02-27T12:26:00.000-05:00

It's getting ugly recently. WD has me sick as a dog. I did somethign really stupid Friday and now I'm paying for it. I'm so wound up and uncomfortable and axious and depressed, I really can't get a grip on much of anything right now. I really need to, though. This sucks. I suck.

Damn...

2006-02-24T12:26:00.000-05:00

Tolerance is too high... Not gettin' mcuh of anything... Need to change... To take initiative... Lowest ever... Weak... Tired... Sick... Resentful... Self-hating... Need hope... Need change... Need something to do... Falling... Need to Grasp... Take hold... Take control... Hard to sleep... Hard to live... Hard to not feel like shit... I can change... I swear... I think... I hope... Please... Let me change...

Probably worse than ever...

2006-02-23T10:13:00.000-05:00

So this past week or so has probably been worse than ever. There has been a LOT of smack flowing through these nostrils and I'm certainly reaping the consequences. I've been using every day for the past 8 days or so. I'm probably going to use today. Even though it's been every day, I'm getting withdrawal just from waking up today without it. The worst part yet is that I'm even using it behind my girl's back.

Yeah, so she was sick on Monday and just wanted to go lay in bed, so I bough some packs and decided to dose up on my own. I started with one, and I felt pretty good. I wanted more, though, it was kinda like an experiment to see what it would be like to do a bunch on my own. Soon enough, I was doing another dose. After that, I was feeling damn mellow and I knew I could be good for the night. Two is usually what it takes for me to get really fucked up and nodding out with my girl.

However, I decided to go for another. I knew this was a lot so I just did half of the third at first. I felt really good. I was watching some reality show and nodding out, but for some reason deicided to do the rest of the third. This is much more than I have ever done. I don't remember much of what happened after that. I definitely passed out. The next thing I know, my girl is coming down stairs, wondering what I'm up to. She finds me passed out on the kitchen table.

So she wakes me up, it scares the shit out of me. I jump up and onto the floor and start flailing all around and shouting about dropping a cigarette. My head then began pounding an ungodly migrain. I couldn't walk straight and my girl said that my eyes looked completely red and crazed. She eventually got me up stairs into bed and put a wet washcloth on my head for the headache which was unlike anything I've felt before. I tried not to fall asleep right away, because I knew I might not wake up. I definitely overdosed. I ODed and my girl probably saved my life by waking me up. There was a good chance she coulda found me cold and stiff laying across the kitchen table the next morning. I'm such a fucking idiot.

I'm not sure...

2006-02-17T14:45:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure if it's about to get really bad or really good. It really could go either way. Kinda in a weird place right now... a sorta limbo of feelings. Although, I must say, for the moment anyways, I'm fairly happy. I dunno if it's the dope or what. There seems to be some money coming in, but it could just as easily go out or blow up in my face fairly violent-like. Pretty confusing stuff.

Well, I got a good check today. A good check could be on it's way. Feelin' good overall at the moment, but probably using too much. You know, it's one of those things that you're sure you're going to be regretting and kicking yourself for later, wishing that you had conserved in some manner, but at the moment, it seems fairly logical and fun to do. I got some free smokes today and that's cool. Sometimes it seems things are going your way. I can't get too excited, though, bracing myself for the potential worst. Ah, well, might as well go with it while you got it. Smoke 'em if ya got 'em, ya know?

Anyways, I'm just gonna keep on keepin' on, hanging in there and the like. Gonna see how this goes and hope I don't fuck up too bad. <--- (probably going to be the subject of horrible foreshadowing)

Well, there it is...

2006-02-14T13:56:00.000-05:00

I got my paycheck unexpectedly early, so I'm dose up like woah tonight. It'll be good. It'll be special... After all it's Valentine's day and whatnot. Last year, I took my girl to a Japanese restaurant. Afterwards, we got drunk, smoked up and made love like woah. I dunno if she wants to go out this year, but we're still gonna get fucked up. Good times, good times...

I love my girl...

2006-02-14T11:48:00.000-05:00

Well, it's Valentine's day, and I love my girl. I tried to convince her to spend some money yesterday on some smack and she held strong, suggesting we save for Wednesday. I like that she's strong, even if it does make me feel like an ass. Well, I don't really have much to say other than I love her and I hope we can last until tomorrow to does. Maybe we'll buy it tonight to make sure we have it and abstain from doing it until tomorrow. Wouldn't that be nuts? Sure would... Sure would...

The beat goes on...

2006-02-13T15:30:00.000-05:00

Still broke... We doesed yeasterday. I dunno if I feel depressed or anxious or what right now. I kinda feel good. Sure, I'll go with that. I feel good. I get paid on Wednesday, which is when we'll dose again, I'm sure. We plan on 3 days a week. Saturday, Sunday and Wednesday. The weekend, then a 2 day break, then a dose on hump day, then a two day break until the weekend again.

I really haven't been feeling too much withdrawal recently. I mean, I've only dosed twice in the past 8 days. Really haven't been much of a junkie recently. In fact, I would say I feel pretty damn OK about myself, in general. Tonight will probably be pretty easy. I'll crash early, being pretty tired. Anyways, not much to say I guess. I'm just trying to keep the anxiety and bay and delay the bad things that seem painfully inevitable.

Broke...

2006-02-07T10:18:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it sucks being broke. It sucks being broke and not being able to dose. It sucks being broke and not being able to afford gas. It sucks being broke and being hungry because last week I blew about $200 on smack. It sucks being broke and feeling like shit and having to go home to a girl who doesn't really make it any easier because all she wants to do is complain about feeling like shit and lay down on the bed, getting mad at me because I don't want to lay down, because I can't lay down because I got this RLS and anxiety that makes me feel like I'm going to explode any minute into a gillion highly aggitated little fucking peices.

In reality, I've been clean for 3 days. In reality, it's been 6 days since I've actually gotten high. I have been trying to scrape my bowl lately. It looks all funny with just the mouthpiece part scraped. I've been trying to hit the last bit of resin inside, and I've actually gotten a little stoned because of it. I wish I at least had some pot. Oh well... Not much I can do now. It's the 3rd day and I feel like shit and there ain't a goddamn thing I can do about it. I wonder how far I'll go, though. I have no idea, because I don't get paid until the 15th and neither does my girl, so it seems like it could be a longass time. Definitely looks like it'll be a longass time. We'll see what happens. I feel like shit.

It'll be bad...

2006-02-06T14:16:00.000-05:00

The next week or so will be particularly bad. I got paid last Tuesday and quickly blew all my money on heroin. For a couple days, it was good. One of the times I bought, I even got an extra packet. Not intentionaly, I'm sure, but it was crunched in another packet.

After Tuesday and Wednesday being really high, Thursday was OK. We got some oxys from a friend. They really didn't do shit to me, so I'm thinking that from now on, I wanna stick with the h. Oxys tend to provide a good euphoric feeling, more so than smack, but it seems to be taking more and more to get me high where I want to be, more so than heroin. After like .15 of smack, I'm doing great for the night, and double that for me and my girl and it's $90 for the two. Unlike oxy, where we can get three 40mgs for 90, doing 60mgs a piece, and I don't feel very much at all, like what happened Thursday.

Anyways, we're in for a bit of a break. We got a little smack Saturday night, but that didn't really do shit but relieve of withdrawal symtoms. As far as I'm concerned, it's been like 4 or 5 days without getting high. Pretty damn lame, I know. Since I dont have the loan money coming in, it's been tough as shit to dose consistantly. Feeling broke all the damn time...

Well, I'm sure shit's about to be catchin' up right soon here. Been going to class lately... boring as all hell. I hate sitting through a 2 and a half hour lecture when I'm withdrawing. I get the RLS(restless leg syndrome) like a bitch. Anxiety is through the fucking roof. Me and my girl can't even talk to each other, we're obviously thinking about it so damn much. Like Saturday was some damn torture. We just kinda laid around, did our own thing, her reading her book and me fuckin' around on the computer, not doin' much of nothing and not even really talking to each other, but making brief eye contact now and again, exchanging a reassuring smile that is all too routine anymore.

We've gotten ourselves into some sort of a mess. My dude says that he's quitting all smack and has been clean for like five days. Good for him. It's been a damn while since either of us have been clean for five days. Four days seems to be the record as of late, and that wasn't intentional or voluntary, just due to lack of funds and realization of a humongous fucking problem that we've chased ourselves into. I mean, we both knew what was going to happen when it was happening, yet we were too fogged up on smack to say or do shit about it. It just sucks how everyone says this is going to and will happen and it does and you're al shocked like no one told you, but they did and you know it, but you still sit there and shake your dumb head like you really didn't know any better. It's pretty fucking pathetic if you ask me. We're pretty fucking pathetic if you ask me.

The thing keeps coming back in my mind of taking the money and running. I don't think I can do it, though. A) I really don't wana be like my fucking dad. I really don't. I don't want to be the fucking deadbeat who runs from his problems when they look overwhelming, who doesn't have the fucking cohojes to man and and fucking take the blame for his mistakes, resolving some way to make reparations of some sort or least, after accepting the inevitable scolding and disapproval of the way he went about it and the official rejection from the situation, then pick up the piece of the broken life and move on to a more leanred future.

B) I really can't do it to my girl. I love her and I promised to marry her, stick with her through thick and sthin, good times and bad, and I do not want to be a fucking liar. I know I AM a liar, but I don't want to have lied about this. It's important to me. I felt things due to her that I have never felt before. I have feelings for her. I don't know what I would do if I left and knew that more than likely, she would be with another man. It would tear me up inside and I would want to die. It's feelings like this that let me know I actually fucking care about someone. Alll my fucking life, I've only really cared about my damn self. I don't want to be that way, at least not entirely. Sure, it would be pretty easy to screw her over and leave and never come back, but I won't fucking do it because I fucking love her.

I've had dreams where she was in danger and the thought of her dying or being gone just straight fucked me up. I was very much saddened by the prospect of her being gone. I dunno if this is some animalistic innate male urge to preserve and protect what's mine, what's my territory or property, or if it is some deep emotional connection which I have formed with her and the idea of such a bond breaking would assuredly break me emotionally. I don't know what it is and that is the proverbial mystery that is "love," I guess. We don't fucking know, but we do have this inkling that it is good and losing it would be bad. That's what it is. I love her and that's all I know.

Sure, she probably got me into opiate addiction and she's probably the reason that my credit will be ruined for a very long time to come. Sure, she's not always the most fun and sure her ass isn't what it was when I first met her. Sure she can sometimes be overbearing and sure, she is certainly a bit of a control freak. Sure, I laugh inside sometimes at how "lame" I think she is being when she expresses her emotions to me, and sure, I think I'm being lame when I feel entitled to do the same. But you know what, I fucking love her. I fucking love her and I WANT to be with her. I could've left a long time ago. I could leave right now. But I LOVE her and I WANT to be with her, through thick and thin, through good times and back, beyond the painful withdrawal accompanying this opiate addition, and forever. That's how I fucking feel and that's how it's going to be.

Withdrawal is a bitch...

2006-01-30T15:20:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been about 4 days since I've used any opiates. I believe it was last Thursday that we did some heroin. Friday was an anniversary day, since it was 1 year since we first had sex, so we got some E and had a bit of fun. Saturday, we went on a road trip to visit her brother, which turned out alright. It was kinda shitty because we were withdrawing the whole time and feeling horrible, and I'm sure he was like, "What the hell? You drive all the way here and all you wanna do is lay around and maybe smoke a little pot?"

It wasn't too bad, and that was better than sitting around the apartment all day, craving some heroin or oxy to release us from the oh-so-miserable physical withdrawal. Saturday was pretty bad, day two, and Sunday was worse, day three. Now it's Monday and I don't feel too down, but I really just wanna go home, smoke the last bit of weed I have, exchange some heart-felt reassurances with my girl like, "I love you, and I know we can get through this. I'm sorry I'm not peppy or talkative; it's just the withdrawal."

Really, though, I don't know if I'm quitting just yet for sure. Actually, I'm most definitely not. Tomorrow, I'm going to be getting three 40s of OC for payment for my work on this dude's website. It would be cool if we had the restraint to not do them, just keep them around, marveling at our self-control, but that probably won't happen. If we have drugs, we're gonna do them. That's just part of being a junkie. There is no "Let's save it for the weekend." Believe me, we've tried. Every time, we end up doing it. I'm not saying I'm weak, but it certainly seems that way, huh?

Anyways, the money troubles keep on truckin' and everyday my anxiety steepens. Oh, what a wonderful play pit I've dug for myself. Yes, what mindful financial decisions we make while indulging ourselves with opiates. How incredibly intelligent I feel whilst I revel in the waste I've made for myself. Holy fucking shit...

It wasn't always like this...

2006-01-30T14:42:00.000-05:00

Certainly, this twenty-some opiate addict wasn't always like this. I used to be so fucking adamant about staying away from substances that I felt would rule my mind. However, drugs seem to have been part of my life even since the age of 11. It was then that I hit my first joint. I started smoking pot semi-regularly from there, but it wasn't until I was officially a teenager, at 13, that I started to really experiment. My sister's boyfriend was a coke dealer and people were always asking me if I wanted a bump.

I usually hung out with older kids and they seemed to get a kick out of testing me. From about 13 to 15, I tried every drug I got my hands on. It was mostly free and I never got into much trouble. My parents were oblivious. LSD to ecstasy to coke and everything in between, except for opiates... they came later. Ever seen a 13 year old at a rave, though? If you did, it was probably me.

I stopped for a while with the hard stuff. In high school, I stuck to pot and alcohol, because they were the norms. I would sell a little white here and there, but mostly innocent stuff. After some family problems at the end of my senior year, I had a revelation. Decided to clean myself up. I stopped smoking herb, decided never to drink and vowed to better myself intellectually and physically. It went pretty good for a couple years or so. I remember being very happy, but I tended to get a bit preachy at times. I enjoyed life, though. Spent a lot of my time reading philosophy and working out at the gym. I valued rationality and debated all that was irrational. I was against religion, selfishness, and of course, drugs. I thought I had it all worked out. I thought I'd be so goddamn happy forever.

Then came the girl that would steal my world. Four years older and with a lot more experience under her belt, she turned me on to a different perspective. Being a junkie is fun. Oh yes, it's a fucking blast and everyone should do it. People would be so much cooler and happier if they would just sniff some heroin. Heh. I fell for it. I fell for her. Not to say I don't love her. I do. We're engaged, for christ' sake. She's beautiful inside and out. I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. It's just that we're so fucking addicted to opiates and I'm drowning in debt because of it. I'm not blaming her. I should've known this would happen. It's what everyone says will happen. It's one of those things where it is just so tempting to disregard all reason and evidence and just fucking do it and love it and hate it when it fucking blows up in your face. I'm sure that makes very little sense. Nothing I do anymore makes much rational sense. Heh. Funny that that's how I used to live. Now look at me. Fucking wasting myself over nonsense. Life's really ironic sometimes.

Yes, well, it goes on...

2006-01-25T13:41:00.000-05:00

The last couple nights have been cool. We've been getting some oxycontin and feeling alright.

Today is our anniversary. It was a year ago that I first kissed her. So much has happened since then. So much good and some bad. I love the hell out of her. Although we had a sorta awkward moment last night because she is so weird about me always wanting to be with her and only her and wanting me to constantly reassure her of this. We're still mighty fine. I really do love her and I just feel so bad that I've been fucking up so much lately, because I don't want to hurt her and I only really want the best for my darling.

Well, we're probably not going to have any good opiates for a little while. We did get some pot, so perhaps that might help us fend off the withdrawal I'm sure we will be experiencing within the next several days. Ugh, I found out yesterday that my financial situation is worse than I thought. Heh. Worse than I thought. Goddamn, these are going to be a trying next few weeks. I'm dying here, man... Fuckin' dying...

Hells Yeahs!

2006-01-23T14:27:00.000-05:00

Sweet! I just scored an advancement from my boss. I went in with my tail down and pride in my pocket. At least I'll be able to get high tonight. This should be good and it should last me a little bit. Shit's still goin' down, but tonight I be high and on top of the world.

Still going down...

2006-01-23T13:42:00.000-05:00

Everything is still going down and I'm still feeling so inevitably fucked. We spent some money on some smack this weekend and had a good time until the money ran out, of course. Yesterday was pretty miserable without any dope, so we spent most of the day sleeping, stopping momentarily at her mom's house to pick up some laundry. Today is going to be absolutely unbearable, I'm sure. I'll be surprised if I can even get some sleep tonight.

Day two without any opiates always seems to be the worst. I know people say day three is horrible, but right now I'm pent up with so much anxiety, I very much feel like dying. The anxiety is haunting. When the thing you've done linger so close in the future, over your head, you feel like exploding into peices. There's no way I'm going to get any sleep tonight. Maybe I can convince my girl to by some pot for us. At least we got the money for that, if we don't for any actually fun things. Damn, I need to ask for some money from someone. I'm sure it won't happen, though. Been borrowing way too much lately, and people are getting suspicious, I'm sure.

My one year anniversary with my girl is this week on the 27th. Let's hope I make it until then. God, I love her so much and I'm so sorry all this is going and is about to go down. I'm such a horrible fiance. I know she deserves better than me, but for some reason she is hooked on losers. Losers like me. I know I could do so much to benefit this world and society, but I choose to throw it away for a quick high and a temporary fix. I know I'm intelligent and I have potential, but I don't even come close to fulfilling it. Not even close... Yeah, I'm a waste of life and a waste of space, a waste of oxygen and a waste of organic materials. I'm a fucking waste... Too bad I can't get wasted...

Still so fucked...

2006-01-20T14:32:00.000-05:00

So, it's a few days later and I'm still pretty fucked here. Blowing all my money on drugs is really taking it's toll on my psyche... I'm really going pretty damn crazy here. I feel like running off and just finding someplace to die. I really don't know how much I can stand. I'm suffocating in the residue of my own poor decisions. I'm floating helplessly out into a sea of uncontrollable anguish and resentment towards myself and my own foolish disregard for the future.

These decisions we make today... they affect the lives of tomorrow. On the largest and smallest of scales, we are going to have to experience the karmic retribution of the now. Like the butterfly effect, we have no idea how largely those seemingly trivial decisions can impact the future. This is what I fear the most. It's all coming back to me. I had a teacher in elementary school who would always respond to injustice with, "What goes around, comes around." This is what I fear the most. What goes around comes around... What I have done and the infringements upon justice I have imposed will invariably "come around" to kick me in the fucking nuts.

Yeah, I'm going to get kicked in the fucking nuts pretty hard. I'm going to go down to the ground, gasping for air, and I'm going to be lying there, face down in a puddle of karmic retribution and choking on my mistakes. Yeah, I've made some serious fucking mistakes. It's habitual for me, I suppose. I make mistakes and I do it while laughing in the face of caution. Holy shit, you have no idea how stupid I can be. I've fucked up my life... I've fucked up royally and so fucking horribly... I'm so fucked...

Lemme explain a little...

2006-01-17T15:36:00.000-05:00

So, I'm in my 20s and a college student, and as I've openly admitted, I'm a junkie. I like to do opiates, preferably. These include heroin, oxycontin, morphine, fentanyl and such like. It sucks being a junkie, really. Well, it sucks when you're not high. When you're high, being a druggie is so damn sweet, you dont even care about the $120 you just spent on half a gram of heroin to get high for the night. You feel mellow and happy and really fucking apathetic. That's probably why it's so easy to get carried away with it.

You get REALLY apathetic. Really, though, you just don't care about shit besides getting high. This is a pretty accurate description, I think. I'm sure you've heard it before. You don't know unless you've done it, though. You don't even fuckin' know.

Yeah, so, because of this bullshit drug addiction, I'm broke as fuck and in some serious trouble. I'm gonna tell the gist of the story here in case I do something stupid and don't make it out, so I'll have this timeless blog just kinda like frozen here as a sort of historic document.

Let's get a few things straight. I'm not fucking stupid. I knew what I was getting into... for the most part. The thing is, I don't tend to plan ahead all that much. Very much lacking in the foresight end of things. When I took out all these loans, probably numbering around a dozen now, I though I could pay them off. Thing was, I intended to pay them off with each other - never really planning for that time that I accumulate a bunch of them and they catch up to me.

Well, that time has come and I'm probably very indefinitely screwed. These drugs ad this fast-lane lifesytle, well, they're fucking driving me off the road now. Me and my girl are gonna have to stop using. This is going to be toture. Opiate withdrawal is one of the worst experiences in the world. It's worst that having food poisoning which is the only thing I can personally compare it to. It lasts longer than food poisoning, though. With opiates, you're thinking about them really hard and you physically withdrawal for weeks.

I tried quitting for a few days. I wasn't very strong. I knew we had to save some money but I'd outright fucking blow it, man god almighty, would I fucking blow it. I get small payday loans and fucking blow the money like a goddamned dandelion, man... Just up in fucking smoke, like a tuft of little seeds, floating away into nothingness, never to be seen or retrieved or heard from, but leaving me with this ugly good-for-nothing stem that fucking sucks and tells me I owe the goddamn thing money. What a fucking bitch that is, huh? What a fucking bitch opiate drug addiction is. Oh yeah, hard time, not-gonna-fucking-forgive-your-broke-junkie-ass-fornothing fucking bitch, man.

Yeah, so this ain't fucking good. The banks gonna keep giving these people money until I'm like forever in debt and I just give up and go on some like fucking crazy road trip accross country, completely ditching my girls and my family and friends and going completely fucking weird loner drifter dude on their asses. This is not going to be good. No good can come of this. I am minus good.

Ya, so...

2006-01-17T15:11:00.000-05:00

Ya, so I'm a junkie and I'm totally taking a bunch of drugs. I've blown like four grand easy this past month on fun things such as morphine, heroin, oxycontin, roxycontin, coke, ecstacy and so on and so forth. Most opiates, though. Wasn't always like this. My girlfriend got me started. Now she's my fiance. Dunno if I quite love her though. Say funny things when under the influences, like ,"Gee, wouldn't it be cool if we were married?" It's hard to take those things back later, though. "Oh yeah, I didn't quite mean that. You see, I was hella high."

Well, shit. I'm broke as fuck and today is one of those days where I just gotta look at my situation and say, "Well, I'll be damned. Damned straight to goddamn hell if there is one. And probably relatively soon because I should be dead, should've committed suicide or just plain old gotten shot somehow." Yeah, that's how I feel. Well, I'm the kinda person that's used to hard times, so it's not exactly driving me to knife myself. Yeah, I'm hella in debt and people are prolly gonna find out soon about me and my girlfriends hopeless drug addictions, but ya know... I don't know quite how to feel...

I don't know quite what to say and I don't know quite how to handle it. I just kinda roll with the punches, ya know? I really do. I just kinda take it as it comes, all simple-method-like and don't let any one set back blow me the fuck away. Heh. I SHOULD be blown the fuck away, though. Hah. So should be blown the fuck away. I dunno how the hell I do it. I sit patiently and wait for an opportunity to remedy a small portion of the fucked-up-edness. Sometimes I come back on top, but that's a bit uncomfortable for me, so before I know it, I back wallowing in the tremendous pile of shit that I've set aside for myself to suffer through later, because for now, I'm gonna go play in that neat little field of flowers over there, completely ignoring the lumbering junk yard of reality.